I asked my husband what men would like to hear about. Chances are your wife has already started to plan that delicious menu. But she’s also thinking about her guest list — how to keep Aunt Suzie from dominating poor nephew Allen.
He responded that men wanted to know the bra trick and probably how to get her interested and how to make it good for her—they wanted someone with a manual to share the important secrets. She’s wondering about which single woman she can invite to the growing table that might make a match for her single brother.
When you think about a Thanksgiving feast, you probably think about snitching crisp turkey skin right off the bird straight out the oven, creamy mashed potatoes dripping with gravy, luscious spicy pumpkin pie mounded with whipped cream, and eating so much you have to loosen the belt.
This year’s centerpiece will be the piece de resistance. But you don’t know why anyone would bother with the trimmings when there’s a feast ahead; doesn’t matter to you if it’s on china or a paper plate. Women think more like the web—everything links to everything. You’ve also to have the right grip and keep your eye on the ball. Then, they take another 20 minutes of genital stimulation to reach orgasm.
Candles have already made the shopping list so everything will be perfect. Women like to feel deeply connected before they turn on sexually. It works against us when the task at hand is sex and we can’t let go of the cares of the day. Marshal all these sex tips for a coordinated effort. If you rush her, she’ll conclude it’s not her night and tell you to go ahead.
My point is while you may be thinking about eating, your wife is thinking about the whole ritual of the day, the romance of the gathering—connection, beauty, and light. The setting, the build-up, the relationship all work together to make the moment work for her. Women complain to me in therapy that their husbands never call when they’re at work. Compartmentalizing works for you when it comes to sex because you can focus and enjoy, but it works against you when it comes to providing some forethought to the moment. Usually this is unsatisfying to men because they want a responsive partner.
Flowers sitting on the counter provide relational constancy for a woman. When you hide the ball behind your back and your baby remembers and tries to find it; he has achieved object constancy. Relational constancy means we feel secure even if our partner is absent or preoccupied. Almost every woman I’ve ever talked to thinks she takes too long. Her hormonal funding of testosterone, a hormone in both men and women that governs physiological craving for sex, can be as low as 100th of yours.
Gifts and flowers are like transitional objects standing in for your presence. As far as verbal suggestions, “Do you want to have sex? “Mmmm,” they think, “do I want to have sex…uh, no.” It’s the wrong question. Think about weightlifting with and without steroids.
You go to work, travel, get busy, and she remembers you still love her. If you jog in the morning it doesn’t mean you won’t have a heart attack that night. If fact, initiation shouldn’t be a question, it should be a statement of what you want. It’s so much more personal than, “what about tonight? You can do everything that your buddy does curl for curl, but if he’s on steroids his rate of build is going to be much higher.
“He does think of me when he’s away from me.” You get points when you’re not even there. Romance doesn’t mean: I brought you flowers, so I should get sex tonight. Romance creates a healthy romantic backdrop for a woman’s responsiveness. A man’s normal testosterone levels are 300-1,000 ng/d L serum blood.
It’s a tactical, practical thing you can do that adds to her feelings of connection. Parents of teenage girls are afraid of the 1,000 level, and at 300, a guy often seeks a sex therapist for low desire.
At 300, he won’t have morning erections, he struggles even with Viagra, will think about sex about once a week, and if he has a fight with his wife he won’t want it.